I see her lifeless body in my head all the time. I remember how cold she felt. And how badly I was waiting for her eyes to just burst open. That day is on replay in my head. From the moment I got out of bed. Mother’s Day is coming up and I don’t know how I’ll stomach it.
I wish my mom was here to help me. To tell me what to do. I need so much help. I don’t know how to have a baby. I’m scared and I need my mom. I wish she was here so I could tell her I understand her now. I wish I could tell her how much I appreciate her one more time.
“I’ve learned a lot this year… I learned that things don’t always turn out as you planned, or the way you think they should. And I’ve learned that there are things that go wrong that don’t always get fixed or get put back together the way they were before. I’ve learned that some broken things stay broken, and I’ve learned that you can get through bad times and keep looking for better ones, as long as you have people who love you.”— Jennifer Weiner
I feel so sad. I feel like no one cares about me. I wanna cry all the time. I just wanna curl up in a ball and sleep forever but I can’t relax enough to sleep so I’ll just lay here forever.
I want to die lol
5 months pregnant today. How bittersweet this feels to have everything in my world change to motherhood while missing my own mother so much. It’s almost Mother’s Day and all I can think about is her.
Tony Hoagland, from “Peaceful Transition”, What Narcissism Means to Me
I’m really struggling. Last night I had a panic attack while asleep and woke up gasping for air and bawling. My heart was racing and I couldn’t stop crying for hours. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. I don’t know how I’m going to have this baby. I don’t know how I’m going to be a mother. PPD was something I was always scared of because everyone always talks about how it can happen to anyone and it’s okay and normal but I thought that I would be able to still be okay. But now idk. I’m very scared for my PPD now. I don’t know how I’m going to be. I miss my mom so much. I cried while holding her clothes and clutching my necklace with her ashes. I feel very alone, even tho I know I have support of family and friends and my bf. I’ve looked up online forums of other pregnant women who have lost their mother while pregnant with their first child. It’s such a specific hurt that I feel. I’ve never been to a therapist or anything. Some of the pregnant people in my BabyCenter app have advised me to try to get one. But honestly I don’t know where to start. Or if it would even help. My mom is all I talk about. I feel like I’m annoying everyone around me every time o bring her up. But I just miss her so fucking much and want this hurt to go away.
